Freaked out

I shall not deny that I did freak out...
Please do forgive me if you found out a lot of things are not here already..XD

Anything wrong with me?

Alone in PJ house now. All of my course mates have gone off to play badminton while I stayed at home, typing this blog.

Somehow, it has become a routine for me to reject the offer to go out and play sports with them. Initially was no confidence in myself while playing sports and now, it is just plain boredom that let me rejected the offer.

Lately, I have also becoming more and more reluctant to go out from the house. I prefer to skip dinner than to walk out to the place where I can find food with just a few blocks away.

I am getting lazier and becoming more anti-social. My circle of friends remains the few people that hover around my every day life.

I wonder is it the stress that is causing me to act like this, or is it the transition stage, in the stage of finding myself or is it this is who I am, a person that is reluctant to step out to face the world and prefer to stay at home, facing the laptop everyday…

Agony

Do you remember the days when you were still a little kid, when you woke up in a morning, feeling devastated that that day you have to go to school to a class taught by a teacher that you loath so much until you are willing to try at any means to skip school?

I do not know whether do every child have the same dilemma as me, but I really do have that moments when I was still a kid.

Even now, after I am already free from the rules and regulations that I have to obey on school grounds, being a grown up, able to make my own decision, able to skip as much class as I want, I still feel trapped in the memory of my past, where I hated the teacher so much and yet still I have to face her every day.

Now, I have to be responsible for the acts that I do, so, skipping class isn’t the most wise thing that I would do if I am trying hard to run away from this lecturer.

It was agony to stay in his class. He is an evil person. He acted as if he is the smartest ass in the whole class, criticizing the works that his students have done with no mercy.

All this things I can handle but what irks me the most is that this is a 3 credit hour class and till now, I still have no idea what is the point of his class for. I feel like I am just having a simple MUET class where I have to brainstorm on question to ask him in role playing sessions.

I feel that it is a waste of my time to gain knowledge in a way like this. Maybe I am taking the final exam too seriously, but is it fair that he is teaching the tip of the tip of an ice berg and expects us to answer questions with theory in the finals when he does nothing but throwing assignments to our faces?

Maybe in another point of view it is unfair for me to judge him like that, but I hate to waste my time on these things while I have to worry what kind of tricks he have on his sleeve, thinking ways to torture us.

Yes, I finally why I hate his class. I feel no respect from him. I feel like we are just some toy for him to play with.

Pouring knowledge into our heads my ass. Give people some respect for goodness sake!

I really do hope that he will be substituted by the other lecturer.

I will be so disappointed if he wasn’t substituted.

Please do help me! Get him away from my classes! I hate to see him anymore! I hate to be some toy to some stupid pompous lecturer!

Depressing…Somehow as the final exam getting nearer, my depression is just like pimples, starting to come out one by one,
I blame myself for not being hardworking while I am lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling.
I blame myself for wasting my time loitering in my SMALL room walking from one end to another end, doing nothing but staring at my room mate studying.
I blame myself for being not open enough to accept people who they are.
I blame myself for getting 5.5 over 10 marks for my CAD manual test. What a bummer… while my other course mates got 9.5, 9.0, 8.5, I start to have the feeling of being inferior to them already.
What is 5.5? This is totally unacceptable for a STPM student! Somehow, I can imagine my brother’s furious face when I took the result.
While others were happily chatting away, I isolated myself in my own self pity world, devouring the cheerful, happy go lucky me.
Yes, it is time for me to be serious. I should not wander my soul around in the lecture class anymore. I must pay more attention in class.
Yeah right, better to be said than to be done…I hate myself…T.T
My brother actually called me just now. What he said actually hit me in the head. I should not lying on the bed, trying to avoid myself from all the problems. I should get up and start doing something!
But now, I really need to have a cry to cry out all the depression that is accumulating in me. Wow…imagine the negative chakra building up in me…-_-lll See? Now I am talking like a bloody hippy…
I miss my friends at secondary school…at university no doubt I have great friends but somehow I miss someone who really understands how I feel… well, actually through out my 20 years of life, I think I have found one who truly knows how I feel and that person really knows how to cheer me up. This person will be treasured by me since that person is like a floating boat that drift in front of me when I am lost in the big blue sea, dehydrating.
Well, except for this person, you all are also important to me. When you all call me, it really cheers me up, making me feel that at least I am still in your heart…^^ I really appreciate that. Really! XD
I miss you all. I am breaking up into pieces now in UM… after getting in UM for so long, this is the very first time I feel like crying… Sigh… I hate the vulnerability of myself…ARGH!! *bites anything that comes into view…*


Written by,
Mentally breaking down?
CP

Sigh...

I have been looking at the monitor screen for over 2 hours. My eye balls are starting to dehydrate and the weather is bloody damn hot. And, I am finally back from UM and having the time to update my blog…

Long time no see my friends!!!*Runs and hugs whoever is reading this post!!! XO* Sob…giving you guys the usual ‘I come in peace’ alien hand sign…sob…can’t imagine how much I miss you all!

Life at university was hectic. Everyday running here and there, the homework seem to like to pile up to become a small mountain that threatens to collapse on me if I turn my back on them and runs off happily to go and have fun. Somehow, I just don’t understand why my room mate that takes 16 credit hours seems to be freer than me! Bloody hell! I am now taking 15 credit hours and I am on the brink of collapsing already. Can’t imagine what will happen if I get 16 credit hours next sem. I bet the next time you all see me will not recognize me because I will decorate my head with a whole lot of wigs that looks like bird’s nest…due to the fact that my hairs will drop off in a tremendous rate. Maybe faster than chemical reaction T.T

Darn, even the jokes that I try to make doesn’t sound funny at all…I have lost my touch!!!!!*hides in the corner…*

Anyway, how are the others going on? I only know the latest news of some of you. Well, how bout the others? Anyone cares to lighten up this old granny here?

Today, went out with SARA~~!!! YAHOOOOOO~~ long time no see her Liao…miss her so much!><>

Guess what movie we watched? Hehe~ it is “Secret”~~ to prevent myself for being a spoiler, all I can say is that Jay Chou is a damn talented person. This is a movie that he directed by himself and he is the one who wrote the script…cool huh? In the whole movie, the part that I love the most is the last part. That particular last part I really cried in the cinema…Pai seh~ XP touching…now listening to the music will also get touched…sigh…am I getting older already? So easy to get touched… the sceneries were wonderful! When I watched it, I feel like going into the movie and feel the warm sun and cool breeze.

It seems like a long time since I get to enjoy the wonderful gift that mother earth is providing me everyday. Everyday in uni, I never looked up at the sky and day dream. Because the pace of the others are too fast. Without running with them, I will be left behind, all alone.

In the uni, I never stand alone at the balcony; feel the night air and cold breeze caressing my face. Because I am stuck in the study room, trying to finish every assignment that has come to a deadline. Even if there is no assignment, I will have to revise on the subjects that I am weak in (which is all…T.T)

I never look at rainy days anymore.

I never write beautiful words anymore.

I never read fantasy or romance novel anymore.

I never have a great laugh just because I just feel like laughing anymore.

I never stand alone and look at the sceneries around me anymore.

I never have the time to reply letter anymore.

I feel trapped.

I feel that I am going to cry anytime now if I type anymore.

Therefore, my dears, I have to stop now.

Or else, missing you all and having the self-pity emotions will drown me in no time.

I wish to stay my head above the water as long as I can.

Without your jokes and caring to float me up above the water,

All I can do now is the try to float by myself.

My dears, hopefully that we can float by our own by no time and learn to swim to each other in the future,

I can’t wait till the day we meet again…

Written by,

A bit Siao + down

CP

P/S: I am going to open a new blog at friendster. Feel free to drop by when you are near there…Muacks! Love you all! ^^

Goodbye for now...^^ Till we meet again...

The loneliness is creeping from behind. I can feel the coldness of it overwhelming me bit by bit as the day pass by. Though I looked clam on the surface of my face, inside, there is turmoil of feeling. Fill with sorrow, happiness and no doubt, the feeling I fear the most, parting with things that are dear to me.

This feeling was becoming more and more intense as the day pass by. I have so many things to do, yet so little time.

I have been successfully enrolled into UM. Everybody is going to Sabah, Sarawak, Penang and also Johor… when shall we meet again? Though some are coming back to Malaysia, but, only one… feeling lonely as the minute pass by.

Though some of us are still staying at Kuala Lumpur, but how often are we going to able to meet with each other?

Are there any chances that we can sms each other and have a spontaneous gathering?

Are there any more chances that we shall roam in Petaling Street, browsing through novels, making a whole mountain of books falling down like dominoes?

Is there any more chance that we shall running across the street, with eyes gleaming with happiness when we see a comic shop or smelling the cool fragrance of Soya milk drifting towards us during a hot and humid day?

Is there any more chance that we shall sit in Green Hut or Grand vessel, flinging our money away once in a while just for the sake of having a nice meal and a nice place to chat uncontrollably?

Is there any more chance that we shall run away from the school as soon as the bell rings and sit in Mc Donald, telling each other stories and go back only when we are satisfy for that day?

I don’t know whether we are going to have this privilege anymore. But I do believe that one day, we will surely meet. Though time might have change us, but I think we can still have fun together, remembering the old days where we are so close to each other, the wonderful dreams that we make together. ^^

I will miss you all dearly. Even though everyone say that I am lucky that I can stay at KL and stay near to my house, but I can assure you that as soon as I step my foot on the ground of the place that will give me another phase of life, I will weep in my heart. For, I shall have to deal with loneliness, seeing at the black sky, shimmering with the lights of the lamp post, knowing that though my home is near, but it is so difficult to get near to it…

My friends, we shall meet one day again. While on foreign land, I wish you all well and have fun at the University. We shall meet different kind of people and gain much more experience than the experience that we have gain for the last 2 years in form 6 or even for the last 20 years of our life. Just remember the carefree days we had together. Sometimes, the betrayal that hurts you seem to be so far away now since you are now walking away from the memory that kept you in grudge for so long. Seeing those people that I sometimes tend to detest now seems to be a far away thing that I can look and will not get hurt by their words and gestures… Time, really can heal wounds. But, can time heal the loneliness that everyone is going to experience soon?

Do take care and good bye for now. I shall miss you all from the bottom of my heart and hope that I shall be able to meet people as good as you guys…Good bye and…darn…I am feeling teary now…

Well, words from ama for those who are my family members in St John. Rock on and survive! Smile and walk through the path no matter how difficult it is. When you are tired, stop and look at the big blue sky. Let your heart be as big as the universe that you are gazing at…^^

Words from husband for my beloved wives…my pretty wives, do be careful at your uni…Your hubby will be staying at KL and won’t be going anywhere at this moment…so, do sms me sometimes to tell me how you all are doing ya...will always love you all! (Psssst…you are all my favourite friends forever! XD)

To my hubbies!!! SOB!!! I shall miss you all a lot!! I shall dream every one of you when I am free! Wait for my resurrection!! Sob~ BTW, I added some more hubbies…but no time to tell you guys now…tell you when I am free ya~ ^^

Adios freedom! And adios my friends! Have a wonderful university life!!! ^^ NO regrets!!!

Yo. Mina Hisasiburi dana~ ^^

First and foremost…I am so sorry for the false alarm!! ><>0<>

Most people think that I disappear for a long time because I didn’t go online that frequent now. Never appear in MSN and also never update my blog…Well, my dears…I didn’t go online that often anymore because…I am watching lots and lots of anime now!! XP Well, usually during online I will watch some anime and I won’t be able to concentrate on chatting while watching anime. That is why I do not appear in MSN. I always pay much more attention to the anime rather than to anyone else…XD

Then, my friend borrowed me some more anime!!! XD I am such a happy person~~ I am living in an anime haven!!! XP I am so engrossed in the anime until I do not use the computer anymore.

The Law of Ueki is a really nice anime!!! I watch until I weep when the anime finally ended…such a sweet ending and touching~~~ *sobs~~~*

I fell in love with the main character Ueki Kousuke…sighs~~~

Oh yeah, the main topic of this post is actually…I am finally having my driving lesson!!! ^^ I forgot I told who before, but anyway, I have cleared the boring and tiring undang-undang courses and now I am starting to have my lessons! ^^

Actually it is suppose to be a feeling mixing with fun and scary for I never drive before. I was so worried that I will crash onto people and worry more that I do not know how to drive and get scolding from the teacher. Have I mentioned before that the teacher is a total bastard in my opinion? Well, I don’t like learning to drive from him. But what can I do? That is the only driving school available near my house. And by the way, it is way much expensive than other driving schools. (Not fair!!><)

Anyway, it all started quite well. He took me to his shop and taught me how to change clutch and then he went off to have his breakfast. Since I never drive before, it was quite difficult for me to be familiar with the car. I always get nervous while changing the clutch. By then, he came back and asked me to drive to my housing area.

At first he started to ask me what to do and etc. Nervously, I answered some of the questions correctly and yet sometimes my head just went blank and don’t know what to do. Of course he took the opportunity to tease me. But I calmed my nerves. I don’t wish to argue with him while I am driving on the road. Who knows what will happen when I go berserk? I love my life more than the hatred towards him. After all, little teasing only, I can take it!!! *burn!!!*

After a few turns around the area, he asked me to drive by myself. I was so nervous that sometimes I forget to let go of the clutch and let the car move. And he keeps on pestering on me, saying “What are you doing? Didn’t you practice just now? Let go of the clutch lar! So stupid!”

“…….” At that very moment, I can assure you that my nerve nearly broke and tried to punch that bastard. BUT! Chuan Ping! You can do it! Be patient with this bastard! Grrr!!!!

When I took a turn, I am not use to turning the steering and often didn’t get the corner right in time and that guy started to say “ What lar you! Turn! What are you afraid of?! Turn the bloody steering!” (That guy is actually scolding me in Cantonese which is much more insulting than the words I am using now.)

I had it! ><>

*Nerves are breaking all around…I am so going to burst any minute now…*

I didn’t say a thing and looked at the road. Well, I think my usual facial expression did the work for me. I need not to say a thing but I believe my face have the letters writing out “Shut your F****** mouth you this bastard!” Hell! Does he think that I am a genius in driving? I only practiced for an hour and he expect me to know how to drive smoothly?!! ARGHHHH!!!! ><>

I also made the car suddenly stop because I let loose of the clutch too soon. Ended up I kena marah again! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!><

Damn angry now…wish me luck on the next lesson. Hopefully my dad’s advice will stick to my head when the bastard makes me angry again… “Driving is an important responsibility to you. People that are short temper are bad drivers. Remember to control your temper.” Sigh…yes…control, control… T.T

Written by,

Nearly bursting out loads of foul word

CP.