I am really greatful to have you as a Friend!

.I actually decided not to post this. But after chatting with my friend, I found out that I am more willing to spilled it out. Last Thursday, my math teacher finally give out the papers. The paper we got was mathematic P2, which was the paper which can help us to top-up our marks on P1.
When i got my paper, I found out that I have failed. I don't know why, but I am just too numb to cry or say anything.

My reaction is just like this picture on top. I have no feeling or thought or what so ever. I feel like...nothing. Even when my friend said "If you want to cry, cry lar.." I still don't have the moist in my eyes. I don't know what happened, I just feel nothing at all.

I went back home and decided not to tell my father about this yet. He got a lot of problems lately and I don't want him to know that I failed my maths and got all heat up. I kept quiet and went back upstairs.

At night, like usual, i have to go down and sit in front of my homeworks for an hour for him to have a look and for him to know i am learning. I finished on of my test and I gave it to him. All of a sudden he said "I will make a nobody to somebody. And you will be the black horse of St.John." The pride glowing out from his face makes me start to feel guilty.

The black horse of St. John?? I wonder. I really wonder how will he react if he knows I failed my math. Though my friends say that we should have a look at P1 only then we make final conclusions, but I am sure if P2 I can't score, how is it possible for me to score for P1 which is more difficult??

Anyway, kept this as a secret from my family members for 3 days already. Whenever i go out I still feel guilty. And I tried hard not to think of it, but I believe that I am lost now. Although i have no feelings, I know that I am lost, but I don't know where to start off, to search myself, to search the old me back, enjoying study.

Well, I really need to thank my friend feli! She is an angel! She actually gave me advice, helped me to search for myself. Why do I study? I study for myself?Or do I study for my parents? Am I stressing myself too much until I am not sure what I am doing already?Am I lossing my confidence after all these years? She really give me great advice. And she nearly made me cry because the feeling of uncertainty, insecurity were rushing to my heart. It is a tear of feeling being cared and the feeling that a burden has at least being less. But, I controled myself...I don't want my family members know that I am crying...You can know how busybody family can be...-_-lll

Anyway, I found out that she is right. I have lost my confidence. I have lost the feeling of feeling satisfy for finishing my work while understanding it. I have lost the aim of my life. I have lost all the entertainment that I should control while enjoying it.

Now, I am taking her advice to try to be confidence and believe that I can make it. This is the only second chance that I have. I cannot screw it up because I am being weak. I have to stand strong. If she can make it through with a hell lot of pressure more than mine, why can't I? I have to start to search the feeling of loving my books again. Finding the satisfying feeling after obtaining a knowledge. I need to do it. I have to be strong. I cannot just stay and march on the same spot forever.

Chuan Ping! You must do it! ><

I have decided to locked all my novels away. I have decided to let the downoad-ing anime task pass to my younger sister and take it over after my STPM (I won't want her to be addicted like me and have a hard time going through it like me...) Well, I need a more firm concentration. I still buy novels, but they are going to stay in my cupboard until I finally achieve my goal. That is, at least get a B+ for all of my subjects this final term. Then, I will move up to A- or A in STPM. Though it is kinda rush, but I am hoping that this 4 months can let me have the time to change, to love the knowledge I am learning now.

I am sorry if I made anyone of you worried. Especially for milky ann and Feli. You two are the best friend that I can ever have. You two stand beside me whenever I am in trouble and give me really wise advice. I feel lucky to have both of you as my friends. Both as mature as they can be and can be as funny as the time comes for them to relax and remembering the crazy things we had during our no-stress secondary school life.

I am really grateful for Feli's advice. I will be strong! :D and take you as a guideline to my future...^_^ Also taking milky ann as a guideline to become a stressful student but yet, able to chase after our becoming writer dream.^_^

I contribute this post for the 2 of these amazing friends. To my gong gong Feli. And to my ex-popo milkyann

P/S: Milky, trying hard to get back the TNS feeling back....sorry for letting you worry....><

Feli, you really helped me through this. I think I will try to get my courage to let my dad know my results. And you are right, sometimes they just want the best out of us.....