I Want to Cry...Do you mind?

I really want to cry now...Yesterday after discussing with my father and my brother, I decided to take 5 subjects for my STPM.

I actually didn't have the courage to do all 5 but with my brother and my father's encouragement, I gain my confidence to charge to the so called battlefield to try to excel in my studies.

It is January and I believe if I pay more hardwork on my homework and do more past year question, I can pull it through.

But, today, my confidence was shattered to pieces...

I went to the supervisor's room to tell her that i am taking 5 instead of 4 subjects.

Her reaction was "Why do you want to take 5?"

I said that I want to take 5 cause I am interested in Biology and I am planning to take it.

I never meant to score A in my bio actually. Maybe it is just a mere satisfaction that I want to have.

Then she asked "What course are you taking?"

I answered "Chemical Engineering."

There was another ex-student at there and he interupted "You are taking chemical engineering and you are taking bio just for interest?"

I just smiled...I don't know what am I suppose to reply.

Then, the supervisor said "You are going jeopardise your future because of your interest?"
And yet again, I smiled.

I think the supervisor didn't notice I understand cantonese and said "Gik xie yan!" (Go and ask your friends if you don't understand..)

I nearly laugh..cause she repeated it for twice when I just smiled and didn't give her any reaction.

I pretend that I didn't understand and stand at there. Still insisting in my decision.

She was nagging about 4.0 in CGPA and I think she didn't know that I am not planning to get A for my Bio...Like I say..just for my satisfaction...

It is like making an awful decision heh?

What actually hurt me is that she said " If you drop your Bio, you can at least get an A for your maths. Believe me, I am teaching you Maths and I know that now you can't get an A. If you use your time to study Bio to do my maths, I can assure you will get an A for your maths."

Awww..That hurts...

After the whole lot of things, I finally say "Actually I am a very stuborn."

And the teacher said "Yes. I can see that."

After all that thing, she didn't give me the form to register. She asked me to go and consult my form teacher.
DUH! I can guess what my form teacher is going to say already. I am not willing to break my record for crying in the school. I want to be stronger.

The reason I smiled through out the session because I know if I talk, I will cry. I don't wish to show my weakness...Well, this is after an experience I have gone through which teach me never to cry in front of anyone that are going to make you feel sorry. They will keep on punching you in the stomach until you can't stand it.

Anyway, end of the discussion, she took the whole stack of paper away as if i am going to snatch it from her and shoo me away.

I was very very upset...But I controlled my emotion before I went into the class room.

After that, the whole day I seem to be very tired. I can't laugh like usual and I just want to roll into a ball and cry or sleep it through.

Even in MUET, I also can't say a thing. I feel exhausted. But I tried to get into the group and after I say one sentence, I was cut off.

Nevermind. I don't care. But, really, some of them are dominating the discussion. I am saying SOME.

After school, went to CS meeting for a while cause I have to rush back home to take care of my sick sister.

On the bus, I started to think. Will it be better if I only have 4 subjects? Maybe I can concentrate more and MAYBE if miracle happens I can get 4.0.

On the way home, I decided it is better for me to take 4.

I reach home and told my brother about it before he goes out. And he said "I don't know you. It is your own fault for not doing your best in the holidays and didn't do well in your exam the year before. You will be bullied like that for the rest of your life if you stay like this."

OK. That helps only a little bit. It makes me feel more depress.

My mum came home. I was lying on the chair, feeling exhausted. I told her about what happen.

She agree on my supervisor's opinion.Ok, that helps a little bit.

My dad came home, and I told him. This is the hard part.

He was furious actually. He said why can't I register for 5? Don't I have the privilage to choose my subjects?

Yeah, he is right.

My mother argued. I think she thinks 4 is best for me.

All of a sudden, my dad roar. And loudly he said "Whatever lar! You do what you want to do!"

I was stunt. I am innocent...I nearly cried again..But, pride make me go up and open the chemistry text book and look through the book without remembering the content.

I am very confused now. I don't know what I should do or what I shouldn't do.

The path is split into half and I have to decide my future.

I am very depress now.

Cause since my father and brother can get through the 5 subjects, but why can't I?

Cause I am stupid? Cause I am not determine enough? Cause my learning skill sucks?

I don't know. I fell asleep at 8 0'clock. I am tired.

Woke up at 10. Didn't have my dinner. I am too tired to pick up the spoon and chew my food.

Online till now. Feeling sorry for not studying.

Next week is the exam and I am blogging this.

I think I am crazy already.

Do you mind telling me what should I do?

I am lost. Care to take me out of the maze?

I am now going to coil myself up and weep and sleep through it.

Hoping tomorrow I can stand up again and face the future with faith and optimist.

P/S: Shi Fu, sorry to tell you, the subject I am dropping is not physic. Is biology. So, wish me luck.